For those who notice, yes - I've changed my blog title. There is no specific reason. It just happened that I bumped into "The Lady is a Tramp," performed by Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga. This song is a nice song to hear if you are a woman who tries to fight over stereotypes. 

So a week ago was international women's day. I am not a kind of celebration person; I even rarely celebrate my birthday. This year I am congratulating myself by watching a video by Great Big Story about a young female professor in chemistry. The video is beautiful, and the speech is mesmerizing. I also have the same belief about being a female scientist: fight the stereotype. I like casual dress as many girls do - and not a boring batik blouse with trousers like many scientists wear. Enjoying silly videos of College Humor - yet, watching SciShow. It is fun when we can talk to many people about their world and then explain the scientific explanation.

But there is a trade-off to living a double life like what I am taking now - I am gray. It's been three weeks since I moved to Bali for a new job. I am continuing work for conservation, as I've considered that work is the work that I can really ensure that the impact I make is delivered to grassroots people, and taking another job in a communication agency. I like this new job, I got a plenty of friends who are really nice, faithful, funny, and care for my well-being, the type of people you really want to hang out with in a café. They leave their mobile phone when interacting, applying a sustainable lifestyle, and being creative. The trade-off of being gray is I can't get along with scientists all the time as they are boring, but I can't get along with creative people all the time as I need a "nerdy" discussion. However, I love them both. But I could not push them to talk about something they do not enjoy talking to; it is not a proper thing to do. Then I find I am lonely.

In the first two weeks of my settlement in Bali, I felt frustrated. My work was not good enough for simply designing a report for my organization, and I missed several things that should be in my responsibility. My thesis supervisor kept asking me where I was in the lab meeting - forgetting that I had already asked for his permit to work in Bali and explaining again and again. It was depressing with a tight deadline that I could barely sleep in the middle of the night. I wonder if everyone feels lonely the way I do?  Then I found a video:


Yes, I guess so. Everyone is fundamentally lonely. That is why we are keeping pets and faith. Pets are available for us all the time (yes, simply because we cage them, and they depend on us to survive). And it comes to my surprise video below explains that the number of young people who commit a religious vow is increasing. I have witnessed how people in the religious community barely feel alone because they are surrounded by such caring people and a single entity who never leaves them. I bet there is a study outside proving that religious people feel less lonely compared to non-religious people.


Talking about loneliness is a serious problem we face today. The UK has appointed a woman to be their Ministry of Loneliness, as reported by The Guardian last January. There is a number of how loneliness has killed people - which I won't go into detail, but - it crossed my mind, do we millennials tend to feel more lonely in this crazy and busy world?

When I felt lonely in the middle of the night but too tired to work, I watched movies. One of the movies that I found that depicts this phenomenon could be Nekad Traveler. I can relate many things in my life to the movie. I was a solo traveler; there were times when I packed my things up, headed to a strange town, met a friend who resided there, and stayed for days. I enjoyed being alone, writing so-called contemplation in my blog, and pretending that I was the one who really knew the local problem and the solution. When I think about it now, I feel that it was dumb. As I worked for two years around the Flores area, there is no such simple conclusion on people's problems in several days visit of solo traveling. That's a bunch of bullshit, thinking that people are really nice and happier than us who are living in the big city. They actually face many daily problems, which they never tell outsiders. They have to deal with uncertainty and trustworthiness due to limited mobile communications, failures of crops, or changing seasons. And what a solo traveler does?

Writing and leave. Setting up new destination. Looking for sponsors for their own happiness. Making locals a story to be consumed by their readers in the hope of increasing followers.

What a selfish life I had enjoyed. I decided to quit.
I admit that solo traveling was my way to forge my loneliness, get out of my box, and be happy with myself.

I then found growing up is to being happy with ourselves even if that we are alone, and that is okay.
Juggling with unbelievable deadlines, unstoppable demands, bills, and migraine.
Dealing with our anxiety, unfulfilled self-esteem, and people who are ungrateful for our presence.
Facing two choices with no clue about what is right and what is wrong to choose.

My father said to me it was time to get married so I could face life with someone.
Then I realized that I am not a good person to be married to if I can't feel enough with myself.
I will only be demanding for my partner to make me feel good and happy enough.
So I will just go home, love the girl in the mirror, and try to feel happy.
Throwing my "Bucket List" away because life to fulfill my bucket list is the most selfish life to be living in.
I will try hard to feel enough with my own presence.

Sanur, one day before The Day of Silence
Caka New Year 1940
March 16th, 2018
This article is inspired by "Liability" by Lorde